diesexybeast's Xanga

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 07:49:31 GMT

The Day the Housewife Killed Herself

The trees, inhabiting my

Garden, always look

Like dying, nursing home

Veterans when you’re subdued,

Fixating at the populace you left

Behind. Go on!

Join them; your truehearted,

Your kinsfolk; plotting my

Demise, how unsightly it

Would be to knock me off,

Join the circus.

Living on the road, without

A penny in your pockets, isn’t

Noble, when you’ve got mouths

To feed; not when the crucifix

Is hidden in your cupboard.

How can I be so fixated on

Someone so repugnant? It must

Be in the herb tea; the kind I drink

Daily, in order to refresh my

Sanity. Alas, the market calls,

My respite, my get by, my

Goddamned market. Grab

My floral umbrella from the

Antisocial rack, and my two

Legs carry me along, dysphoric

As they can be.

All the masses, all the amused,

Jubilant faces of the grocery,

Even the peppers seems festive.

The asparagus is sprightly, the

Bananas are dancing, let me join

Them, for an instant, let me waltz

With the produce.

Never have I felt so delighted,

My normal outdoor trek

Has led me to a mango mambo.

"I’m no Astaire, but neither are you,

Plum." My eyes are bright, as one

By one, the fruits and

Vegetables assemble in

My wicker basket. I cannot

Leave them here, no one will

Appreciate them as much as I

Do.

In they go, all the vibrant colors,

With the green going to the delightful

Barkeep. She knows they’re all going

Home with me, but she wouldn’t

Dare tell anyone; her wink says it all.

Homeward bound, me and my

Delightful fruit; back to the

Trials and unsightliness of my

Dwelling. No! I cannot bring

Them to that miserable hole,

Not with that virulent bastard

Sitting in his armchair. No,

Today, we will lay down by

This pond, I’ll muddy up

My day dress and sop up

The sun, enjoying my new

Company.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 11:22:36 GMT

Don't think I forgot about you xanga!

I guess I'm the Jesus of my own Nazareth, but somewhere along the way I lost any semblence of a following. I feel like a thrid party candidate. You know the one's who people kinda like, but would never actually vote for? Yeah that's me, but this election is just a little more important than who is the ruler of the free world.

A man/me/then jim is just stuck on repeat and when I work, I can't stop thinking of the lyrics to Napolean's hat.

This one person at work likes me. He calls me the crazy gringo. And he calls me his love. And it's gross. But funny. But weird. And I feel bad for him. Because he seems so lonely. And I'm lonely too. But no. Too much hair gel. Not enough english. I really hate this friggin country. I wanna go back to europe so bad. Everything is so much more free over there. I don't know how arrogant Americans can call this the Land of the Free. More like the land of the judgemental.

My friends have deserted me. Except one. And she's leaving soon. For good. And I love her. And I'm going to miss her. And I'm totally quitting the diner after she leaves. Because she's like the only one there worth going to work for. And the money is shit. But I've saved up a lot of money. But damn, if I had a better paying job. I'd be rich. Me and my co-worker played this game, one where we pretended we hated each other, there's a reason, but it's not important. Anyway, we didn't talk the whole night, except for the occasional note, or the whispered "i miss you" or cigarette break. So, nothing came out of it except for me being lonely, and bored, and lonely, and man, I hated it. And then I'm thinking, this is what it's gonna be like when she's gone, and I'm just like damn, I'm gonna miss this bitch. And more so, I'm not gonna be able to work at this place after she leaves. Because, damn, I can't stand any of the people I work with. Well maybe a few, I tolerate others, and others I downright hate. Shit, I gotta get a new job. Or my own little mongolian hut on a slice of paradise.

Fuck everything, I can't sleep. I cannot fall asleep, and when I do I get night terrors. For those of you who don't know, it's these crazy paranoid dreams, but they don't seem like dreams. And you're surprisingly concious throughout the whole thing, but not really because you're sleeping. But awake. And you don't want to open your eyes, because you feel like what's going on around you is really happening. It freaks me out. Living alone and all. And I know that it's not real, but at the moment it happens, it feels so so so real. When I do wake up I smoke a bunch of cigarettes, listen to music and ponder my life. Only tonight, my life is going on to the computer, because what better place is there than this for it. Computer, here is my soul, take it, spell check it, and do what you want with it.

Where is steph? Hope she's enjoying the new manager position. She told me on new year's eve that she was like freaking out because they were only letting her work one day for the week. But then they told her to check out the manager sheet, and she was on it, or she was going to be trainging for it or something. I dunno, I was pretty flat out excited for her, hopefully it all works out, because I know this is what she wants, and damn, I think sometimes, if you just get one thing, just one, that you really want, it kinda keeps you sane and happy. But damn, where'd she go? Probably off slaving at the theater.

I'm not even tired. Well I kinda am. But I fell asleep right when I got home from work at one. And I woke up fucking sweating. And it's cold in my apartment. Night terrors. Yeah now I'm awake. So it's cigarettes, a little root beer, and a lot of heartache. Story of my, short but sweet, little, life.

Going to a bar tommorow. Hopefully. Damn, I'm gonna become one of those people that sits in the fucking bar all alone. Telling anyone my stories, anyone who will listen that is. Getting completely fucking wasted, and then attacking people outside the bathroom, telling them they need eyelash implants. Maybe not quite so extreme, but yeah, I've become a regular at that place. At least I always go with someone. To keep me sane, or a semblance of sanity.

Alright well, if you've managed to make it through this entirely too long rant of shit, I commend you, and next time you talk to me "don't let your voice sound like hot coffee, more like a scented pillow".

And honestly, if we fucking spent some more time understanding than trying to be understood, we might actually fucking get somewhere. Right?

ADIEU

Friday, December 07, 2007

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 07:56:13 GMT

I'm so excited to be started my own business.

The name... Track Zwolf Kleidung.

I made a few pieces so far. I just wanna photograph them and get my site running.

I really love sewing and designing.

Man, I hope this thing takes off cuz waitering is a bitch.

adieu

Friday, November 16, 2007

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:38:24 GMT

Erm...work, shoes, work, shoes, work, shoes, works, shoes.

Am i a burn out?

adieu

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 23:31:57 GMT

what's wrong with being happy all the time?

NOTHING.

it's better.

empty.

but better.

Right?

Nutmeg can fuck you up.
Who knew?
Not that I tried it.
Not that I want to...anymore.

Poop.

Oh man I hate waiting for the inevitable.
At least the inevitability that my head has lead me to believe is true.

I'm 19.
I act 49.

Man, you wanna know a guilty pleasure?
the new feist 1234 video.
I watch it when I'm sad.
So of course over the past 24 hours it has been on forty four million times.

My only solice is the girl reading this over my shoulder.
She makes me SMILE.

Even though no else does.
No one else wants to.
But why would they?
They're to busy trying to make themselves smile.

And that's the way it should be.
Right:?

When I'm fucked up I say some retarded shit.
Last night.
Fucked up.

I was talking about how everyone should look out for themselves or some shit.
Well, maybe that's all well and good.
But why can't out just look for myself?
No matter how hard I try, there is always going to be people that I care about more than myself.

It's not right, not wrong, it just is.

Yeah, it just is.

adieu

Friday, September 28, 2007

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 10:46:55 GMT

dreams last for so long...even after you're gone

adieu

Monday, September 10, 2007

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 01:16:10 GMT

Party<3

adieu

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 12:04:53 GMT

My last two posts were about death.
Not this one.

I'm in ~~love~~ lust.

I cannot help it.
I'm crazy I know.
But it's consuming me.

I am happy now though!
Yay!

I love my friends. <3

The only thing bothering me is that I quit my job.
No money. Boo!

I haven't slept in like 24 hours.
No more like 12.

I'm gonna play online poker for a while and try and make money that way.
Cuz work isn't for me. lol.

Love love love love love love love love love.
I'm falling in.
Please dont let me down.

adieu

Monday, August 13, 2007

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 04:02:08 GMT

I love my Aunt Franki soooooo much.

She used to read this journal, just so she could call me and feel like she knew what was going on in my life.

Because she really did care.

I can't believe God took her so soon.

I'm gonna miss you Aunt Franki.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 03:21:26 GMT

There's this girl at work.
I don't know her well.
She always seemed happy.
She wasn't the brightest girl in the world.
And no one seemed to like her.
I don't know why.
But they didn't like her.
I heard that she was a slut.
I heard she was a ditz.
I head that she came into work drunk.
But to me she always was the girl who smiled.
So today at work I found out she's dead.
She killed herself.
Weird.

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adieu